The Ten Commandments of Roleplaying

I am thy god the GM. No one is greater than I and no one is more powerful than I. That which is not Player is Me. Table is my realm and my decrees made at Table are law. No word of book, nor leaflet, nor errata is as great as the words of mine own voice and those who cleave to their occult tomes shall be known as Rules Lawyer and marked thus and be cast out from my kingdom and into the hell pits known as basement and game store back room to be tormented by the Morlocks that dwell there. My realm I share with my Players, reserving for myself that which hides behind the Wall of Fear and Ignorance.

Thou shalt not heed nor pay homage to the false gods of numbers by their names of Statistics, Probability, and Average. These usurpers have no power in the realm of Table. Heed the voice of thine own character within thee, act so, and fear not, for Table will provide.

You shall make for yourself an Idol, whether of plastic or lead, and paint it true and proper. For I, thy god the GM, suffer not long dead lead upon my battlemat nor upon Table.

Curse not the GM for thine own failings, nor of thine poor luck, nor for the actions of thine party.

Thou shalt remember the Game Day and keep it holy. Thou shall heed not the whining of thy family and friends, nor the demands of thine work, and any intrusion upon the Holy Day, save only death and dismemberment, is of thine own making and thou shalt not make thine party suffer for thine own lack of planning.

During the holy Game Day, thou shalt heed not the temptation of thine portable communications device, for such temptation leads only to derailment. Thou shalt not worship it nor fiddle with it during the holy game day, for I, the Lord your GM, am a jealous God, visiting the inattention of the player upon the character, unto the experience points thereof, and the screen time thereof, and the loot thereof. Unless thou art waiting for a life-changing event, thine cell phone should remain off during the holy day.

As the GM is the soul of Table, so too art thou the soul of thine character. And as absent the soul Table is but lifeless wood, a character absent a soul cannot, may not, and shall not survive more than one gathering at Table.

As thou walk in my kingdom, thou will be joined by others of Free Will and Character. Grant unto them the respect to which they are due. Remember that I, the Lord your God, did bring you all out from thy dark places and thy basements and grant unto you all the realm of Table.

Consider carefully all of thine actions, for in my kingdom there are neither vacuums nor cardboard cut-outs, and that decision made of haste or boredom will return later to bite thee on thine own ass.

When thou does cast thy dice, thou shalt never bear false witness against what they show to thee, neither shall you covet the rolls of thy neighbor's dice, nor the stats thereof, nor the skills thereof, nor anything else thereof granted to thine neighbor by the will of GM.

As thou dost walk in my realm, thou shalt seek out adventure of thine own accord. Thou shalt not sit beside the tracks of the railroad waiting for the train to come for thee, nor lie down upon them and wait to be run over. For, verily, in my realm there are neither trains nor cars and the tracks are overgrown with weeds and lead only in circles.

When thou dost take thine place at Table, thou mayest encounter those denizens of the realms Below and Around the realm of Table, they that goest upon four legs rather than two. Thou should always be mindful of the beasts of the Underworld and shift them not from their favoured resting places. For, lo, they were here first and their company is much preferred to thine own.

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The Seven Deadly Sins of GMing

Railroading
Thou shalt not force thine players along a linear storyline. Thou shall respect at all times the free will of thine players.

Showering
Thou shalt not play with thine self in the game by inserting thine own ridiculously powerful characters into the game, for such an act is unseemly and not to be done where others might see.

Santa Clausing
Thou shalt not give to thine players that which they have not properly and duly earned.

Taverning
Thou shalt not eschew proper character introduction through tavern meetings and phone calls.

House-Dropping
Thou shalt in neither deed nor word defend munchkins by summoning flying dwellings, thereby allowing players to abuse the system to their own benefit when creating characters.

Soapboxing
Thou shalt not use the game as a forum to espouse thine own beliefs.

Cowardice
Thou shalt not let thine players run roughshod over thee. Thou shalt grow for thine self a spine and make decisions and calls sure in the knowledge that thine own word is law.

The Seven Deadly Sins of Playing

Metagaming
Thou shalt keep that which is within the game unto that realm, and bring it not above game. Neither shall thou take what is known above game for thine own benefit within the game.

Munchkining
Thou shalt not eschew roleplaying and proper characterization in favor of the dice and abuse the rules of the dice for thine own benefit.

Rules Lawyering
Thou shalt not interrupt the flow of gameplay with citations of scripture by which thou hopes to gain advantage.

Chucking
Thou shalt never loft thy dice into the air, nor cast them down in anger.

Dicenapping
Thou shalt never lay hands to thy neighbor's dice nor cast them in a throw of chance. Thou shalt always possess thine own dice and keep them to hand.

Bingdissing
Thy place of gaming is at all times sacred, for such places are rare and precious. Thou shalt take with thee all that thou brings and thou shall refrain from treading upon the good will of thine host like the filthy ape thou truly art.

Sheetspeak
Thou shalt restrict thine vocabulary to those words and phases which have meaning in the realms in which thou travels when describing thine own abilities and strengths. The words written on the sheet before thee shalt never pass thine lips, lest ye be revealed as a Powergamer and cast from my realms in shame.

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Things Jacob is Not Allowed to do in a Roleplaying Game

  1. Not allowed to recreate any scenes from Deliverance using Skaven.
  2. Or The Sound of Music.
  3. The cult of Chi-Boo-Yah does not exist in the Warhammer universe.
  4. The pompadour is not a traditional elven hairstyle.
  5. Relaine may not make cameo appearances. Ever.
  6. Especially outside of the Warhammer Universe.
  7. The orcs' battle chant cannot be "Ru-fi-o! Ru-fi-o!"
  8. The hoard of Tzeentch demons cannot use "Taste the Rainbow!" as a battlecry.
  9. The lyrics to "Ballroom Blitz" can only be used to describe one Slanneshi pleasure house.
  10. Dragons are not allowed to speak in exaggerated southern accents.
  11. Just because you still remember how to play "The Final Countdown" on your trumpet doesn't mean you have to do it during our climactic battle with the bad guy.
  12. That goes double for "Taps."
  13. When asked by my players what the nearest medieval equivalent to Midol is, I may not answer "Opium."
  14. I am not allowed to convince players that a 'tallywhacker' is a special type of two-handed sword just so I can hear them say "I grab my tallywhacker with both hands and start swinging it wildly at the monster!"
  15. I am not allowed to translate the songs from Robin Hood: Men in Tights into French for use in my Bretonnian campaign.
  16. I may not make any character in any setting based off of Ruby Rhod.
  17. I may not base any Chinese tong off of Cobra Kai.
  18. Any magicks that allow me to transform one or more player characters into muppet representations of themselves is strictly forbidden. No characters may be transformed by any means into Muppet versions of themselves.
  19. May not recreate any aspect of the phenomena "Christian Side Hug" in any roleplaying game.
  20. No character will ever be forced to participate in any form of reality TV show in any setting, time period, or incarnation.
  21. Trivia competitions may never be played to the death.

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